The guilt and the relief
The gratitude and the grief
The mixture and the muddle
Of the both-and belief

Mamahood is the epitome of
The both-and way of being
I know I am now just beginning, 
My heart is barely seeing

In 7 months the things that I have felt feel more
Than the entire 7 years of life before
In 7 days there are countless ways
That both you and I both grow and change 

I feel both deeply pained and utter joy
I feel both disappointed and celebrated
Both seen and ignored
I feel it all

There are days I don’t want to
Days I’d rather be numb
Than feel the million and one 
Both-ands of being a mum

So I come and I sit
And I cry about the tough shit
And I laugh about the wild reality
And I’m both humbled and happy 

As my tears soak into my t-shirt
Mixing in with my daughter’s saliva
I’m both an imperfect mess
And I’m blessed to be a mama 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative 

I thought it would be different, I had images of how it would be 
You tucked into my breast, feeding, snug and sweetly 

I wanted to give you the best, I desperately wanted to succeed
But I was failed and let down by my faulty body

I couldn’t do what seemed to be the most basic thing
I simply wanted to nurture and nourish my baby

This journey didn’t go how I’d dreamed and hoped
At times I felt I could barely cope

I pushed and struggled and fought my best
In the end, we needed to choose bottle over breast

I feel less than the mamas who are able to feed naturally
I question why it went this way and what is wrong with me

I’m harsher on myself than I’d ever be with a friend
I’m just angry that this came to a premature end

But it did, we are done, and look how far you’ve come
I know there are so many other important aspects of being your mum

I apologise to myself for being brutal and mean 
And finally, I accept it’s time, it’s complete, it’s okay to wean

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative 

Not enough weight 
Too much weight 
Feed more
Eat less 
I stress 
Lord bless 
The baby’s weight
My wait
Take the hate 
Lift the weight

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative 

It feels like heavy rain clouds have settled in to stay
The sky of my mind is a deep dark grey
The weight is immense on this day
I don’t want to feel this way
 
Depressed and downcast 
Negative and numb 
I never knew it was going to be this hard 
To have the privilege of being a mum 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative 

My husband can say, “You’re beautiful”
Hundreds of times
Yet when I look in the mirror these days 
I still shame and criticise 

I don’t like my big thighs
My hips are so wide 
My face still looks round and
I’ve got a larger breast on one side

Every day it’s a struggle 
When I pick clothes to put on 
Nothing looks how I want it to, 
It all fits wrong 

I want to buy new clothes 
But I feel guilty for spending money
I just need something that looks pretty 
And hides my postpartum tummy 

I love being a mummy 
I wouldn’t trade this for the life I had 
But I just want to feel confident again 
It’s about more than just losing baby fat 

It’s about feeling sexy 
Showing up in my skin 
Accepting myself despite the renovations 
On the whare my spirit lives in 

I don’t have a happy ending yet
Because I’m still right here in the mess
Just praying I’ll learn to love my new self 
And figure out how to dress 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative 

I muse and ponder how 
I will stay healthy in my mind 
What ways I can find 
To process reflect write and grow
And maintain peace when my ducks are disturbed out of their neat row
Adaptability perhaps is not a strength of mine 
Staying cool, calm and collected when things are out of line 
But I’ll try
I’ll keep working on me 
I want to be the best I can be for my darling pēpi 
I want to stay present to my husband also
He’s working so hard to provide for our whānau
This shift of season is the hardest one yet
They warn you of the adjustment but nothing can quite describe it 
One day, hour, moment at a time 
I’ll keep going and I’ll even put it in a rhyme 

 ©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

That when I do not have enough,
There is an infinite supply in you
And when I’m at my end
You will make a way through 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

The lyric to a song that rings through my head 
I listen to it over and over as I sit in bed
Ensuring my baby is fed 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

Midnight 
One AM
Two AM
Three AM 
Roll by
As you feed, burp, settle, then cry
Another nappy is wet
Then another is full and dirty
I’m wondering if I’ll sleep this side of 6:30
This one feels like an all-nighter
Somehow I’m not surprised 
As during the day you mostly had closed eyes 
Now they’re open all night long
Which for some reason we think is wrong 
But only because of our previously established perception 
That daylight is when we wake and darkness is when we’re sleeping
However to you my Lyla Evana,
I suppose the dark is where you discover and experience beauty 
So I’ll submit to this new routine whether or not it suits me
In this season more than ever 
Sleep has become powerful and precious 
Blessed are we to know that even if we lack rest,
Our God is ever gracious 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

I felt completely empty
Like she’d drained not just my breasts
But everything from within me
Like all I could possibly be 
Was being sucked out and spilled
My power bank is dead 
My batteries are killed 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

It becomes apparent when baby is feeding in this way 
On and off the bottle or breast 
Constantly hungry, fed is best 
The night shift is gruelling 
My body needs refuelling 
My mug needs refilling 
My other breast is spilling 
Milk is absolutely everywhere 
Soaking into baby’s clothes and my pillows
There’s not enough hands to stop baby’s from being grabby 
I’m overwhelmingly grateful to have my husband next to me
He’s getting all the snacks 
He’s making every different hot drink 
He’s so exhausted he’s shaking
Pushed to the brink 
Loyal and adoring and learning and growing 
We’re flowing as a family of three 
Figuring out how to function on very little sleep
Apologising frequently, 
Forgiving quickly 
Healing slowly 
Adjusting rapidly 
We are succeeding in family
Thriving in worship 
Experiencing what it is to inherit 
Generational wealth in the form of loving parents 
Able to love because we were loved first 
That’s the foundation of this journey 
Love from God
Love for one another 
Love formed our baby 
Made us a mother and father

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

For 9 months it’s been a mystery 
Now you’re here right in front of me 
Yet you’ve still got me wondering 
What colour are your eyes going to be? 

Sometimes they look ocean blue you see 
I catch glimpses of Sonya Cossey genes 
Then the light shifts and I’m sure I see hazel brown 
Those Indonesian eyes handed down 

Whatever colour they are now and
Whichever colour they become 
When I’m looking into your eyes sweet girl
You know I’m totally undone 

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

This artist-in-mission isn’t in retirement 

Yes, I now have another occupation,
But I won’t forsake my God-given vocation 

“You shall shine among them like stars lighting up the night sky as you offer them the message of life”
I shall shine in the privacy of dark night as a committed Mama and loving wife

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative

Oh my little one 
I wonder and dream of who you’ll be 
And what life will look like as a family of three
I hope you have the same sparkle of kindness in your eyes as your Papa 
His perseverance and loyalty 
And just maybe you’ll approach life with creativity and spirituality like me 
Darling child I hope we can set you up to soar
To have joy and hope galore 
I pray we’d be granted humility 
To learn all the things you’ll help us see 
And the wisdom to guide you but still let you be free 
Our precious pēpi 
You’re already loved by so many
There’s so much excitement for your arrival 
Within our village, our whānau, this community 
What an honour it is to carry and nurture you baby
May you be showered in love, grace and peace
And always feel known, celebrated and seen

©️ Sonya Cossey Creative